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What next with our relationship? This question may come to mind when the stage of „being in love” comes to an end, when there appear differences, maybe disappointment or bitterness. Is s/he the one? What if that was a wrong decision and my perfect „the other half” is still waiting for me somewhere…?

If that is what you experience that is perfectly normal and now is the time to work on yourself and the relationship and if you both give up now probably the story will be repeated with your next partner. So, what to do? Let’s take a look at three important things in relationships, namely communication, closeness and intimacy. If we have good communication (meaning that we can talk about difficult things) than true closeness results and that in turn opens the door to deeper intimacy. But what does it really mean and how to work with that?

Let’s start with communication. To tell the other what I want I need to know that myself first. I have to be in touch with myself so that I know what I feel and then handle the emotions well enough to be able to communicate tchem to you. And I may be blocked by what I learned from my own parents – how they communicated, how they manager their own emotions. It makes sense to see the patterns back from your own family home because when stressed out you will repeat tchem automatically. Also, our childchood experiences are importnat, both big and small instances of overstepping your boundaries, because if back then something shamed or hurt you then you may not want to get back to that and today we can cut that off, to screen out unpleasant feelings. Also it is worth to realise one’s own beliefs about closeness and sex – where do they come from? What do I actually believe is OK and what is too much? What is my reference – my own family home, or maybe books or films?

So first, there is this internal communicatio with myself, and only when I know what I feel and what I want I can pass that to the other person. Communication is tested in difficult situations, when we are emotional, when we disagree. Then what helps is the skill to talk about myself  feel.., I need…, I don’t want…) instead of pointing out things to the other person (But you always…!). Also important is to hear your partner without denying, judgement or trying to persuade. Instead, create a space for you both to hear each other, because as someone wise once said: „Do you want to be right or to have a relationship?”

Closeness results from good communication, where I feel heard and respected (which does not automatically mean that you agree with me). When you respect me you give me space for emotions, not always the easy ones. I know that I can express tchem and you will hear me and will let me speak. I know that I can be myself with you and you will not judge me. When we have such emotional closeness, there will naturally also be a hug, a look, a caress when we pass each other while making coffee or sit together at the TV. This kind of phisical closeness is not automatically an invitation to having sex. Instead it is rather caressing that keeps and nourishes the relationship, confirms a sense of closeness and happiness that we so often lose when we grow up.

And finally, when we have communication and closeness we can naturally progres to intimacy, more mature  than at the beginning of our relationship. If something is out of tune at this stage we can talk about it, instead of bottling up and thinking „s/he should know this about me by now”. This kind of intimacy is much more than just being naked or sex. This kind of intimacy and closeness can be worked on during masterclass couple workshops. But if your difficulty lies in building relationships or you two have problems with communication and closeness – I do invite you to contact me.